Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
