STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
