actually, I'm a sock model
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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