I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am one with the molecules
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
