just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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