I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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