Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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