Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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