I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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