Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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