I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
