You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
