I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
