quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
