Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
