Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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