My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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