U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
