Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
