I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
