i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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