I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
