could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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