Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
