sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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