You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
