I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
