I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
