If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
