Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
