turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
