Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
