seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize