who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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