fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize