Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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