I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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