there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
