Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
