i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
