i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
