even my farts smell like vagina
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
