I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
