Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
