whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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