i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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