Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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