I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if only i could text you this smell
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize