Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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