the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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