return my video game
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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