I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
