Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
