Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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